JEALOUSY REIGNING ME

I AM JEALOUS

Please tell me if you think I am wrong.

Why do I worry and occupy my mind so much with people that have stable, secure parents with money? I hate it! It's like their kids get this awesome head start in life. I feel like I'm trying to pick up the pieces and my parents don't even care what I'm doing while everyone elses are just all over them attending to their every need. Sad. I wish I could just ring my mum and even talk about money as a subject without it getting out of hand. I wish I could just not worry about money. I wish my parents would just be normal and have jobs and ring me or email me. They don't even know how to turn a computer on. Well maybe they could.

I dunno. I just feel jealous of those that have this head start. And I feel like my life revolves around trying to get my head start, so I can move onto other things. But then these dicks can already move onto other things. AND THEY DON'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT!

I guess all I'm saying is sometimes I'm scared of being alone. Sometimes the thought of it's all up to me now to create my life scares me. I feel like I don't have the capability of doing it and that I'll just turn out like my mum. I feel like there's no escaping my familys mentality. I just wanna be real and inspire people and explore and I think art is a way of proving to yourself that you really are unique and there's nothing else out there like you. I dunno.

And I guess they other thing I'm saying is I hate spoilt brats. They. make. me. SIK.

My life. As of now.

I hate living.

I hate living. Ultimately. I hate how in order to get food, and pay rent, there is more opportunity to be fake, in order to get the money, to eat, and pay rent.

I fucking hate this whole earth sometimes. Sometimes I don't want to be apart of it at all. Sometimes I wonder why my mum didn't warn me how bullshit life really is, and that if you want to do what you genuinely want to do, it will be hard, and no-one will really give a shit. But if you want to do something you genuinely don't want to do, SURE we have plennnnty of options for you.

Where the fuck do emotions come from? Why do we get these notions like 'I'm a failure' or 'I can't? WHERE do they come from? Where man?

Why do I want to die? Why do I not want to exist anymore? Shouldn't I want to? Everyone tries so fucking hard to look good, and be cool, and be a success. Why don't I care? Why does this fake little society that we have try so hard to look so great and be so caring, and I don't like it?

Why didn't it work with me?

I don't want to be apart of this. There must be other ways.

Why do I sit here and wish I were dead? Don't I have amazing friends that I would rather hang with? Isn't life just so great? Why would i want to die?

Everything, everything from now on, is one big lie. I don't believe anything. All I believe is that everything is fake.

I just don't understand. It's like, I need to give people money, and I need to eat. Where can I get the money from? I don't know.

I just want to be able to eat and sleep in a bed without having to be fake.

Well ya know what? It's a freaking big atmosphere out there. It's real big!

This is the first time I have blogged in a year!

What happened?

You know when you can see two things in one picture, I have this picture of Michael Jackson and Macaulay Culkin when he was a kid, and they're standing with a monkey with pink shorts on and purple bandana around his neck. But then there's another thing I see and it looks like what I thought was Cher with long hair and eye makeup with a purple bandana around the bottom half of her face. Aaargh.